Introduction to the White Knight SyndromeBy Mary C. And Marilyn J.
Krieger, Ph.D. Excerpted in part from The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue OthersIn legends and folklore, the white knight rescues the damsel in distress, falls in love, and saves the day. Real-life white knights are men and women who enter into with damaged and vulnerable partners, hoping that love will transform their partner's behavior or lives; a relationship pattern that seldom leads to a storybook ending. White knights can be any age, race, culture, or socioeconomic status, but all have the inclination and the need to rescue.
Although white knights can exist in a wide range of relationships, such as in a business or a, we will limit our focus to the white knight in intimate relationships.Take a few moments to consider the various relationships you know about or those in which you've been involved. It's likely you know of relationships that include people who have found partners in need of rescuing-the rescue could have been from anything-unhappiness, financial chaos, an abusive relationship, medical issues, or a past that left them wounded. Perhaps the rescuers you know intuitively recognized their partners' core neediness or vulnerability, regardless of how well disguised that person's weakness was at the beginning of their relationship.You will discover that many rescuers often go from one person in need of rescue to another, riding into each new partner's life on a white horse to save the day. In the initial stages of the relationship, the rescuer seems gracious and happily, but as time goes by, he feels increasingly unhappy, disappointed, critical, and powerless.Although the white knight's heroic actions may take the form of slaying her partner's metaphorical dragons, her real goal, which is often beyond her awareness, involves slaying the dragons from her own past. I grew up with an extremely disfunctional, sick father and over the years I wondered about my relationships, but have come to realize that they may be a path to healing.
Closure was not possible with him and he would not admit to or take responsibility for anything he'd done.In my first relationship I face the demon of my father's physical abuse. This time I had the power to walk out on my own terms and stop it.My sencond relationship faced his emotional abuse. And again over time I gained self confidence in who I was and ended that relationship on my own terms. Knowing I deserved better.My current relationship is facing my fathers sexual abuse.
A recourse loan is a type of financing that allows a lender to go after the borrower's other assets and income if he or she fails to repay the debt on time.
Untill this relationship I could not face my own sexuality, and sex litterally made me sick. I'm learning that it's OK to feel sexual sensations and enjoy them. This relationship also faces the alcoholism that plauged my father. I know that in time this relationship will end and I will again walk away on my own terms learning very valuable lessons.I know that no man will ever hit me agian, or belittle me again, and I know that I will not be in an alcoholic relationship again when I've completely come to terms with my current relationship and learned the lessons needed. Once I've conquered the demons from my past I'll be the resilient strong person I can be. Each time I feel stronger and more confident that I'm worth the life I want. Is the female version of this called the Florence Nightingale complex or is it just a closely related condition?
Also, why didn't you feel it was nesseccary to seperate the condition into masculine and feminine forms? Surely each sex can identify in some way to the behaviour but will have their own unique motivations, goals, experiences with this type of relationship pattern based on their sex? Also, I would imagine that the implications of these relationships would be quite different for both sexes and the responses they would receive would entail completely different internal and externall reactions? It is my feeling that this could reach people in a more personal way if both sexes were presented with an archetype they could more closely relate to. I know I may be wrong, and would love to know how my thinking is misinformed.I do appreciate the topic and look forward to following the posts, and probably buying the book. Because that would leave the door open for arbitrary double standards.
The action is what is being defined. Feeling the need to rescue others is a feeling that all humans are capable. The reasons behind WHY they have this need ARE NOT dependent on that person's genitals. ACTS are not masculine or feminine. Those are arbitrary standards society sets forth to allow people to use their emotions to judge others instead of juding individuals based off their abilities.as an example, my boyfriend was talking about if he were a girl (if nothing else about his personality changed, only his genitals) that he would probably be considered a bitch. Because he is loud, he speaks his mind, he verbally jabs his friends and 'talks shit' while gaming.
Why can he, as a man, do this and still be liked and respected? Because he is a MAN doing it. He said himself that if he were a girl that he would be considered a bitch, NOT because his actions changed any, not because his personality would be different, but because AS A GIRL, his actions would NOT be accepted and respected. Because he would be a female doing this (and society at large has different expections for how a female SHOULD act). He would be judged a bitch for doing the SAME EXACT THING, that as a man, he would be respected for.THAT is why things shouldn't be gendered because it sets up arbitrary double standards based on societal expectations not based in REALITY and CAPABILITY, but based on emotionally based assumptions and stereotypes. I too have seen/believe that the two genders approach, enable, maneuver, etc. The pathways of White Knight Syndrome.
Though behaviors may be similar on the surface, I believe the drivers, goals, and satisfaction/resentment that they lead to are different for each.I'm 51. I've been in the medical field since 1991. Although psychology is not my primary field of expertise, I have literally treated/counseled many thousands of both men and women in the US Military. I can offer anecdotal comment only, but feel I'm pretty empathetic; have a large sample to draw from; and suffer from White Knight Syndrome myself, which I am finally confronting after 23 years of marriage and trying to 'save' an otherwise wonderful woman from herself, for herself (yes, we all believe that), but, in the end, it's been a miserable failure. Very intelligent people; well schooled; 'normal' in other aspects of their lives, all can fall victim to an innate, abnormally huge, urge to save people, IMO, especially men for women. I have helped my wife get her BS and MBA degrees, be successful in a military career of 15 years thus far, and many other things.
In the end, she ended up the person she was destined to be anyway. Not being vindictive, but honest, in the process I have only lost me.
Upon my 'awakening', I had an epiphany, that she had gotten everything she wanted, and I was left holding a stick with nothing tied to the end. I had enabled her to verbally, emotionally, use me for YEARS, while hanging on the hope that she 'would change' and we would live out our remaining years in fairytale bliss. Now our only adopted child is ready for college so is leaving, and is so dismayed with us both that I'll be happy if she just sees me at Christmas? I've done my wife no favors by hanging on to that hope for her. I've lost years that I can never get back for myself, and have a self-loathing at the moment for doing so that would challenge any that you have heard of!!! Look forward to this blog.
My wife's PTSD seems to have been managed some better over the last week, so that has been a relief for me, and given me some space to continue my self assessment in moving beyond my WKS. Much reflection, along with a slow but steady move to concentrating on 'me' for a change, has helped me take baby steps toward normalcy and self-awareness. Marriage can be a great experience, but one can't loose themselves in it.
I have not been 'me' since 1994!! As I see glimpses of me that I used to be, rather than part of a 'machine' where I'm just a cog that enables it to do what it does, such a heavy weight is slowly coming off my shoulders.
It's like the first day of a vacation you haven't had for 10 years, and you're waking up that first morning, realizing the only things you have to do is FOR YOU!:). On a somewhat related topic, do any of you have friends who cross the line from being helpful to being controlling? I think this could be part of a 'White Knight' syndrome. For instance, I have a friend who, every time I mention something such as, 'I need to get my hair cut,' she'll immediately jump in with her hairdresser's phone number and/or offer to make the appt. Or if I move into a new place, she immediately insists on 'helping' me arrange and decorate it.
Sometimes I like her ideas but other times I feel like she's controlling everything.At what point to well-meaning help turn into stifling control? How do you deal with it?Just food for thought.
But as I am the WK - I have been more concerned with helping versus enabling. It's a fine line. Your question is a good one.
The wording and phrasing is difficult. If you need a hairdresser, the most appropriate response from a friend would be 'This is who I use and I can give you her number if you want.' But it is very easy for us WK's to cross that line into something more. The issue, for me at least, is the women I am a WK too are often so irrational and irresponsible I feel I am saving myself eventual pain and problems by trying to give 'too much help' when what I am really doing is actually enabling.Great thoughts. Each of my relationships has started with being the White Knight. My current relationship of 20 years has been very rocky since returning from Afghanistan and I 'stumbled' into a relationship with a person from my high school years where one thing lead to another.The Problem I see is my new friend is the exact opposite of my wife.
Hero's Journey The Magic Flight
She has lead a very difficult life (barely high school education, 3 marriages, one physically abusive, a child from each marriage, recent medical issue and breakup of 10 year 'unmarried' relationship, etc.). I am a successful executive, beautiful wife and daughter, both very spoiled, having everything they could want. Alos a Officer with the US Army where I will return to active duty within the next few weeks.I feel as if I am in love with my rekindled friendship and have been helping her get on track, but I fear I am again falling into the white knight realm as I have with the previous relationships. I feel like a Knight with my new friend, and an Enabler with my wife.How do I (should I) breakoff what feels like true love with my possible soulmate to return to a long term marriage that has always been turbulent. 'I am a successful executive, beautiful wife and daughter, both very spoiled, having everything they could want.' Everything they want, INCLUDING a dishonest cheating shell of a man that claims to be worthy of being called husband and father. They sound SOOO spoiled.Please do them a favor and leave.
You're only a paycheck to them anyway so it won't make much of a difference when you leave and they're still getting your paycheck. It's not like you were doing anything else for the family. They probably won't even know you're gone.You didn't spoil them with yourself, you spoiled them with your money so they could be distracted while you spoiled yourself with someone outside the family. You made yourself disposable. I was recently diagnosed as a ' white knight' but the therapist refers to it as being a rescuer.
I just want to say that my life was completely going south until this was brought to life. I am slowly learning how to take control of my life and to stop trying to make sure everyone else is ok.
Up until this point I was always overcome with grief and massive amounts of stress. I could never understand why I could help so many and never receive help in return. Thanks for writing this book, it has helped in my healing process. My partner fits this description to a T. For much of her life this entailed relationships with girlfriends who needed help in some way, which D. Gave even when she could not afford to give. Since we've been together (10 years), D.
Has transferred these intimate relationships to friends, or women in distress. She routinely loans 'friends' huge amounts of money, even putting her house up for a bond when one was arrested for making meth! Recently a woman D. Helped for two years (job, health care, place to live, restored credit, paid off big debt) just dumped her - quit the job, left it a mess, and disappeared.
Is devastated. Then tonight, less than a week later, she suggested we invite a woman she'd just met out with us! When I asked why (we've had a terrible stressful week putting the business back together after the other woman's departure), D. Said, 'She's all alone here, she doesn't know anyone.'
I nearly went through the roof. Even though several people and family members have pointed out this need to rescue women to D, she still doesn't seem to get it.
I'm beginning to wonder if, since I've led a fairly successful life after a rocky couple of years when we met, Im just not as 'attractive' as a lost puppy. It's infuriating! Just wanted to say, this syndrome knows no boundaries - it's definitely a need to fix D's own self, but it seems no amount of therapy or ass-kicking is going to make her see that. I can relate to everyone here. I am definitely a white knight myself, no doubt about it. I was involved in relationship with people that were needy and broken, but thank God I was able to realize my plight with the help of a therapist as well as the love and support of my friends. I started to see that many of my relationships were very unhealthy on both sides.
I have been re-evaluating many of my relationships, be it friendships or otherwise. I'm very cautious about letting people into my life. I avoid people who are needy at all costs. I like to help people, but I refuse to get into that mess again. It's like I have radar system within me that alerts me to anyone who might be needy and broken.
It's a long road to healing and wholeness. I believe you still need to have compassion for other people, but there needs to be a balance. Before you help someone, always ask yourself if you're really helping or enabling.
There is such a fine line, so use wisdom and discernment. Don't rush the healing that your heart and soul needs, for it takes time. Hang in there, and take it one step at a time. My boyfriend admits he has always been in relationships where she needs him, the white knight. He thinks he can fix everything for her and that his attentions will make everything alright. That hasn't worked out, he is divorced 3 times and has had 2 live ins tha have been 20 years younger than him.
All of these women left in violent rages. I have loved him for 22 years, 18 years as friends and the last 4 as my boyfriend. This has always been a long distance realtionship (2 1/2 drive between us). As friend sometimes it would be years in between conversations but the conversation always ended up 'what if we got together'.
We did finially decide to be more than friends but he has started pushing me away. I don't need a white knight. I can take care of myself finacially, physically and for the most part emotionally. I do however need to physically spend some time with my partner. (not taling about sex just face time) A few minutes on the phone everyday and a visit every 6-8 weeks (which used to be 2-3 time a month) just isn't cutting it. He thinks I will evetuall resent him and not love him anymore and he can't be my white knight so he doesn't know how to act.
Any suggestions for getting him to lighten up and let go of fixing things for his 'women' and just enjoying a relationship?. I too have seen/believe that the two genders approach, enable, maneuver, etc. The pathways of White Knight Syndrome. Though behaviors may be similar on the surface, I believe the drivers, goals, and satisfaction/resentment that they lead to are different for each.I'm 51.
I've been in the medical field since 1991. Although psychology is not my primary field of expertise, I have literally treated/counseled many thousands of both men and women in the US Military. I can offer anecdotal comment only, but feel I'm pretty empathetic; have a large sample to draw from; and suffer from White Knight Syndrome myself, which I am finally confronting after 23 years of marriage and trying to 'save' an otherwise wonderful woman from herself, for herself (yes, we all believe that), but, in the end, it's been a miserable failure.
Very intelligent people; well schooled; 'normal' in other aspects of their lives, all can fall victim to an innate, abnormally huge, urge to save people, IMO, especially men for women. I have helped my wife get her BS and MBA degrees, be successful in a military career of 15 years thus far, and many other things. In the end, she ended up the person she was destined to be anyway. Not being vindictive, but honest, in the process I have only lost me. Upon my 'awakening', I had an epiphany, that she had gotten everything she wanted, and I was left holding a stick with nothing tied to the end.
I had enabled her to verbally, emotionally, use me for YEARS, while hanging on the hope that she 'would change' and we would live out our remaining years in fairytale bliss. Now our only adopted child is ready for college so is leaving, and is so dismayed with us both that I'll be happy if she just sees me at Christmas? I've done my wife no favors by hanging on to that hope for her. I've lost years that I can never get back for myself, and have a self-loathing at the moment for doing so that would challenge any that you have heard of!!! Look forward to this blog. If i actually free them from attachments which physcology and drugs could not do - only a guid about attachments and send some love (ENERGY) to increase their output to drop the attachments - then the narc will antagonise to try and attach again.once under this abuse depression starts are their life is effectively stopped (LIFE NOT TIME - not same thing many travel through time but not life) - anxiety is two people in love pulling each other in different directions.amazing what a hug can dook so i worked all that out.
BUTWHAT DO I DO ABOUT wanting to have a partner that is inlove and this still happens. Or they fall in love with my partner that is inlove with me and is actually on the other side of world (can share examples of experiences).so my way is for both to be seperate and dettached./ attach only in bed - only be in love in bed and say i love you and there fore no longer in love (intention).as to be in love means both charka systems are sharing emotions.how can you run one world while being subject to emotions from the other world - was ok in house wife scenario but now????. I am 54 and always have been a pragmatist/realist, so your observation doesn't fit me, nor a few people I know like me, at all. We are not easily swayed by trends, fads, 'fake news', etc. We all pretty much 'need to see the data', yet we still are overly ready to help people in need. I and one of my friends are both like this, yet were taken in by women who first needed help, then got to a point they used our dispositions to play us, use us, and then dump us when they pretty much got bored.
Me, 25 years, him 17 years. Respectfully, we interpret information and the world just fine, as attested to by the rest of 'our worlds'; we're not dupes, yet we got duped. It was by 'professional' Narcissists, for lack of a better term. I am 54 and always have been a pragmatist/realist, so your observation doesn't fit me, nor a few people I know like me, at all. We are not easily swayed by trends, fads, 'fake news', etc. We all pretty much 'need to see the data', yet we still are overly ready to help people in need. I and one of my friends are both like this, yet were taken in by women who first needed help, then got to a point they used our dispositions to play us, use us, and then dump us when they pretty much got bored.
Me, 25 years, him 17 years. Respectfully, we interpret information and the world just fine, as attested to by the rest of 'our worlds'; we're not dupes, yet we got duped. It was by 'professional' Narcissists, for lack of a better term.
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Available in a convenient spray bottle or in drop form, it helps to provide better emotional balance and fast, convenient relief from everyday stress.' The result of this independent study is not only welcome news for those of us who encounter stressful situations every day, but particularly for the 40 million Americans who suffer from physician-diagnosed,' said Ronald Stram, MD, who regularly prescribes Rescue Remedy to his anxious and stressed patients.
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'Stress compromises your ability to fight off disease and infection. It can even rewire the brain, making you more vulnerable to everyday pressures and problems.' Rescue RemedyRescue™ Remedy has been a popular stress reliever since 1930 but until now had not been thoroughly investigated scientifically. This study specifically examined the product for the reduction of acute situational stress.
A double-blind clinical trial comparing a standard dosage of Rescue Remedy against a of identical appearance was conducted in a sample of 111 individuals aged 18 to 49. The Spielberger State-Trait Anxiety Inventory (STAI) - a standard means to evaluate anxiety - was administered before and after the use of Rescue Remedy or placebo. The results suggest that Rescue Remedy may be effective in reducing high levels of situational anxiety. The results were published in Complementary Health Practice Review. Please use one of the following formats to cite this article in your essay, paper or report:MLAGraham, Christen.
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'Rescue Remedy is an effective all-natural stress, anxiety reliever, study suggests.' Medical News Today. MediLexicon, Intl., 2 Jul. APAGraham, C.
(2007, July 2). 'Rescue Remedy is an effective all-natural stress, anxiety reliever, study suggests.' Medical News Today. Retrieved from.Please note: If no author information is provided, the source is cited instead.